She is always "The One." Imbecile

She looked at me in dismay and told me that I would never find what I was looking for. A bold statemrnt from such a beautiful woman. I never truly understood why she had the need to say anything like that, as if purposefully punishing me for something I hadn't done.

This was a daily displeasure that I endured throughout my short stint with a woman I will leave nameless. Beautiful in everyway, except her patience. When she decided to end something, there was no discussion. Her way or the highway. I precisely remember my constant statement that was, "As always, the ball is in your court and it is your decision to make."

I should have known from the beginning, but I was blind and drunk with lust and endearment. I had been heartbroken before, not just once at that. The thing I realized early on is that this is not something healthy or sustainable and maybe I can just get a couple good hits in, it would be worth it.

Ghosts of the past always seem to haunt you when you think you are moving in the direction of the future. How difficult it is to see through those rose colored lenses.

Religion

It is a sensitive subject. Something one does not question even though the questions are vast, the confusion is present, and I don't get it. Some hold it dear to their heart, like a pet that has been with the family forever. It is outdated. Something that needs revision. It is 2015. It was written by man, and we all know how many mistakes man makes. No need to list. Written by man, before any technology, and fear of others because no rules or common courtesy were in place. Outdated is my terminology. I'll leave it there.

March 4th 2015

I do believe that this day was done on this day for a reason. The night before had been a detrimental night to a close friendship of mine, and I was in dire straights. I was not at my top performing self, on the contrary I was below the line of functioning. I felt sick, emotionally and physically. I woke up late, had a rough time getting my bag packed, and was charged an extra $40 for a phone call I had made the night before, in an attempt to save a friendship. This was all leading up to one of the most important days that I would experience thus far in my life.

Getting to the airport, my credit card declined, because of the extra $40 charge earlier. After getting into the airport, the security screening took longer than expected. After a 35 minute wait, TSA pulled me aside and tested my bag for substances of unknown origin, to ultimately let me pass by without further investigation. At this point, I had no idea that I had been watched the whole time by a person of importance. I sat down, relieved, waiting for the flight director to inform the passengers it was time to board. At that very moment I looked up to see the executive assistant to the general manager of the resort I had worked at, exactly one year ago, to the date. I made my way over to speak with her and I told her of my job prospecting in that home town of mine and she informed me that there were positions open and that she had the intentions of reaching out to me.

First of all, I had applied at about six or seven different hotels throughout the area, about four weeks previously. I had given up hope because I had not even received a single email in regards to what was going on. I figured my resumes were dead in the water and I was alright with it. Sure enough, the 4th of March would be that faithful day to change everything.

We boarded the plane, and I was sitting in my seat thinking to myself, "what a strange way to start the day. I am happy about what is going on so far, hopefully this flight will be easy." After landing in my new home town, I made my way to the taxis and then to the train in downtown. I rode the train to the place I left my truck on Sunday afternoon, and headed north to my house.

About halfway home, I had turned on Craft Spells and was jamming to some of their tunes, when the music suddenly stopped. A phone number I did not recognize was flashing on my phone. I answered and sure enough it was another resort I had applied at, weeks before. On the other line was the assistant director of human resources, offering me two jobs.

Well come Thursday the 5th, and I have one interview and two jobs offers still standing. Where did this come from!

I am more than happy to accept it though.

The Toughest of Times

In all honesty I love living in San Diego County. It has been the best couple of months in my life. IT is free, warm, and you can really do whatever you want, within reason. I have picked up a new skill, I have also learned many new things while working at the Hyatt House. It has been a positive experience. I have grown stronger, created a better eating habitat, for the most part. I have curbed my appetite for alcoholic beverages, to a point. On a side note, we all have our moments of weakness, I am not immune to that fact.

My main goal when I came to Oceanside was to kick a very nasty habitat, and I have achieved that. I no longer dabble in that life ruining substance. I owe my thanks to San Diego County. Without a doubt. 

Now opportunity is knocking at my door. After months of trying to find work down here, I have gotten an interview with a prestigious company up in Northern California. I feel lucky, but at the same time I have worked damned hard to get where I am. I am no slouch. Though, I may have acted like one for a few years back in my home town. I am here, as a new man, ready to take on the world in whatever capacity I am presented. I am ready, I am focused, I am determined. I see your progress and I raise you mine. This is not to boast, or deem my endeavors more important. I am simply stating that I have done things that I am extremely proud of and I will continue until I am in a place where I can say, "Enough, this is where I want to plant my roots." 

Here's to being 24 with plans and the building blocks to take on those plans. To dreams, and preparation, the two things that have gotten me through the toughest of times. Cheers

Loose morals

My moments continue to happen. I eternally remember the times and sights; smells, sounds, and feelings I've had with different people and in new and old places. I am troubled by the utterly tiring concept of money and living. I look forward to a time wen we can live and survive without having to sacrifice years and years of our lives serving others. We call it self serving but the pieces of paper we hold onto with such conviction is what we serve. Religion is nothing compared to the grasp money has on the world. One day, we will break out. Until then, I understand what it is like to be a slave to a concept that I had no say in. Land of the free, more like home of the disillusioned. 

Hard work. Dedication

What is health? Activities that promote a healthy and properly functioning body? Could be. I believe that I have let y body become unhealthy. I have taken advantage of my youth and not in a positive way. I have just used my body for sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. At the age of 23 I look down at where my six pack used to be and I cringe. What a waste. I know it will just take determination and work to get back on track and that's not to much to ask of myself. I must just get into it and busy my ass. Move forward, look at the horizon, and only work towards what you want. Only problem is what I want is confusing. I want my health and stamina back but I want to party. I guess opposites are not really negotiable. That's why democracy has such trouble working... Anyway, push forward. 

Understanding

It has always been odd to me.  I get into this thinking, deep introverted thinking, that enhances how utterly upset and unfullfilled I feel. Maybe this is a normal, every person goes through this, type of thing.  Not many things pique my interest, and I find that strange.  I enjoy music, water, beautiful eyes, smiles, and i have never considered suicide as an option for anything.  I guess I am happy, but I realize that the world is evenly filled with sad and happy things.  Happy things lead to sad things and vice versa.

My feet are cold from standing outside February 1st with no socks or shoes.  I'm not bothered by it, because I can feel. My thoughts are connected to this thing called life, and my life gives me feelings and I think and ponder on what these feelings mean or are. What an absolutely strange species we are, humans.  Instead of living by instinct we live for learning.  We strive to gather more information in order to understand ourselves. We do not understand US.  We only have theories and ideas of how we work, internally and externally.  A true never ending story.

As I type, I understand that there are peaks and troughs for business activity, weather, happiness, and life.  One can only guess at when the ups will be or when the downs will be.  How beautiful that is.  Uncertainty, as scary as one could imagine, but wildly exciting and open for dictation and discovery.

Show a little kindness in your actions.  Love who is close.  Hold close the ones difficult to imagine life without. Cry often.  Exercise. Eat healthy. Learn new skills. Test new ideas. Meet new people. Let go of old ties. Work everyday towards being someone that you would be proud to call a partner or friend. You only have one life, and your time in this world has an expiration date. Don't let yourself sit on the shelf until your expiration.

Get up and do.  Salud my friends.

Thomas G.      

Currently

Surreal isn't it. Is it giving up if there is no passion for the thing you are considering to let go. I've tried my best. I've made mistakes but not costly ones. I am what I am and I can't change that, maybe I deserve to get pushed around. I feel taken advantage of but there is no way to explain it to anyone. I have allies but I don't want to get them involved. I love this property and care for out guests as if they were my own in my house. I guess that's not enough. It takes sacrifice and determination. I made it this far. Time to make moves and boogey. Love to Carmel Valley Ranch and the employees. You are all troopers and put up with mountains of adversity without giving up. And you put up with it every single day. As we increase our average occupancy, each person has to increase their productivity for this thing to work. It's madness but the idea of maximum effort,  Go until there is nothing left, is definitely being practice right now. To the unknown. 

Senior year

The time I want to relax. Not happening buddy. Time for focus. Time for determination. Lets keep moving through and not stop. It's funny how during these desperate times money can't solve a damn thing

Success

"I dedicate my life to learning, not to success." I said this to my farther today and he nearly was choked up. I found it funny, enlightening almost. I found that missing puzzle piece I was looking for today. Time to finish it tomorrow.

The Ranch

One year later and this shit turned upside down. It went from fabulous and wonderful to just shit. I used to love working for Carmel Valley Ranch but the management has made this place a nightmare. Maybe I should said the lack there of management and leadership. It's always been said if you want to do something right you do it yourself funny thing is our management delegates everything to everyone else. It's a far cry from management. It reminds me of a freshman in college telling a bunch of seniors the best way to pass classes.

The food and beverage director is a joke. The night manger is a joke. I'm really losing patience. It's hard to put up a smiling face and deal with this day in day out grind. I'm done if nothing changes

Another day

I've been busy. I've been having trouble finding time to spend with my mom. It then occurs that you want all of my time, the time I can't even give to my mother or father. I told you I couldn't meet your expectations. And now I've lost that spark due to the need that I can't please. Sorry. But I'm on another path than you and I hold the reins

Tucked away

It's a long time coming. I've been in this little town for nearly 12 years now. I'm expanding and heading out of state to an undisclosed location, for a week away from it all. I don't know why but I am excited as ever and really ready to experience such an awesome opportunity away from my closest and dearest relatives, friends, etc. I'll be on a mission, solo. Nobody but myself and my accomplishments to rely on. Scary, no. Exhilarating, yes. I've been discovering new things about myself in this time of change. No girlfriends to hold me back from discovering love, no parents to bug out over dumb things. Just me myself and I. Living in a world full of individualists, I am a humanist loving my fellow man and woman for what they are and what they perceive themselves to be. We all have an image of ourselves, but that never matches others images of you. The truth is the real you is tucked away and inside. And it won't be let out until the day you, yourself, let it. Be comfortable with yourself, learn to embrace flaws of yourself and others and just live to live. Enjoy every second. Otherwise why live at all. Sink in, dig deep, and love life.

In progress

Like was said before, the ghost is with us. Now it has escaped and run rampant into the world we live in. It was time for it to happen because the ghost being held back wasn't meant to be around in the first place anyway. She meant the world and dropped the gall, but I told her the more she tried the harder she'd fall. I now know that the truth is evident, no lies no money just precedence. We tried our best and thats all that matters but I'm on my way and the glass around you shatters. Im sorry to say but the option is gone, not because I've lost hope but because yours is all wrong. The love never failed, just lost its direction and now I am here without any reflection.

Ghosts of the past

The strangest thing came up this morning upon a realization that I was just sleeping. It happened almost 4 times. In and out of dreaming and reality. But what was odd was the topics of the dreams. Missing school, old girls id met, crazy action adventure, love, hate, and life. It was so strange to think that everything that haunts me could come out in one night. Make itself clear to me in just one night of head over heels dreaming. I was with a ghost too. An actual ghost if anyone can beieve it. I didnt at the time until it was made apparent.

Not only was I living and breathing right next to this ghost, but she was living and breathing too. A ghost from the past that has never been set free. Why you may ask? I dont know and I wish I did because not only is she not set free but I am stuck too. Infatuaion, Ive come to the conclusion. oh well.. life goes on with her.

Connections

Months since the last blogs were entered onto the giant database of internet storage. I was thinking about the information that travels through the internet, the traffic, and it reminded me of start wars.. The planets that were completley city without anything but a concrete jungle. A trip indeed. But you know life is just like that, almost like the interworkings of a brain. Everything is connected, through 16 diferent connections or not, there is a path between yourself and the minds and thoughts of others. Ive always thought that the coincidences that occur arent just hit or miss, and the arent planned out either.

Lets say someone is stopped at a shopping center, on there way home from work. And someone they know is in the same shopping center but differnet places. That closenss the connections that have been made in the brain are closely related between the two people, since some connections have but made and lost in the presences of eachother. Almost like in the movie hancock, there is stronger connection as soon as your close to someone you know. Almost like psychic connections. Outside of the body but still electricly connected as to program the brain to act or perform differently in the presence of different people.