She is always "The One." Imbecile

She looked at me in dismay and told me that I would never find what I was looking for. A bold statemrnt from such a beautiful woman. I never truly understood why she had the need to say anything like that, as if purposefully punishing me for something I hadn't done.

This was a daily displeasure that I endured throughout my short stint with a woman I will leave nameless. Beautiful in everyway, except her patience. When she decided to end something, there was no discussion. Her way or the highway. I precisely remember my constant statement that was, "As always, the ball is in your court and it is your decision to make."

I should have known from the beginning, but I was blind and drunk with lust and endearment. I had been heartbroken before, not just once at that. The thing I realized early on is that this is not something healthy or sustainable and maybe I can just get a couple good hits in, it would be worth it.

Ghosts of the past always seem to haunt you when you think you are moving in the direction of the future. How difficult it is to see through those rose colored lenses.

Religion

It is a sensitive subject. Something one does not question even though the questions are vast, the confusion is present, and I don't get it. Some hold it dear to their heart, like a pet that has been with the family forever. It is outdated. Something that needs revision. It is 2015. It was written by man, and we all know how many mistakes man makes. No need to list. Written by man, before any technology, and fear of others because no rules or common courtesy were in place. Outdated is my terminology. I'll leave it there.

March 4th 2015

I do believe that this day was done on this day for a reason. The night before had been a detrimental night to a close friendship of mine, and I was in dire straights. I was not at my top performing self, on the contrary I was below the line of functioning. I felt sick, emotionally and physically. I woke up late, had a rough time getting my bag packed, and was charged an extra $40 for a phone call I had made the night before, in an attempt to save a friendship. This was all leading up to one of the most important days that I would experience thus far in my life.

Getting to the airport, my credit card declined, because of the extra $40 charge earlier. After getting into the airport, the security screening took longer than expected. After a 35 minute wait, TSA pulled me aside and tested my bag for substances of unknown origin, to ultimately let me pass by without further investigation. At this point, I had no idea that I had been watched the whole time by a person of importance. I sat down, relieved, waiting for the flight director to inform the passengers it was time to board. At that very moment I looked up to see the executive assistant to the general manager of the resort I had worked at, exactly one year ago, to the date. I made my way over to speak with her and I told her of my job prospecting in that home town of mine and she informed me that there were positions open and that she had the intentions of reaching out to me.

First of all, I had applied at about six or seven different hotels throughout the area, about four weeks previously. I had given up hope because I had not even received a single email in regards to what was going on. I figured my resumes were dead in the water and I was alright with it. Sure enough, the 4th of March would be that faithful day to change everything.

We boarded the plane, and I was sitting in my seat thinking to myself, "what a strange way to start the day. I am happy about what is going on so far, hopefully this flight will be easy." After landing in my new home town, I made my way to the taxis and then to the train in downtown. I rode the train to the place I left my truck on Sunday afternoon, and headed north to my house.

About halfway home, I had turned on Craft Spells and was jamming to some of their tunes, when the music suddenly stopped. A phone number I did not recognize was flashing on my phone. I answered and sure enough it was another resort I had applied at, weeks before. On the other line was the assistant director of human resources, offering me two jobs.

Well come Thursday the 5th, and I have one interview and two jobs offers still standing. Where did this come from!

I am more than happy to accept it though.

The Toughest of Times

In all honesty I love living in San Diego County. It has been the best couple of months in my life. IT is free, warm, and you can really do whatever you want, within reason. I have picked up a new skill, I have also learned many new things while working at the Hyatt House. It has been a positive experience. I have grown stronger, created a better eating habitat, for the most part. I have curbed my appetite for alcoholic beverages, to a point. On a side note, we all have our moments of weakness, I am not immune to that fact.

My main goal when I came to Oceanside was to kick a very nasty habitat, and I have achieved that. I no longer dabble in that life ruining substance. I owe my thanks to San Diego County. Without a doubt. 

Now opportunity is knocking at my door. After months of trying to find work down here, I have gotten an interview with a prestigious company up in Northern California. I feel lucky, but at the same time I have worked damned hard to get where I am. I am no slouch. Though, I may have acted like one for a few years back in my home town. I am here, as a new man, ready to take on the world in whatever capacity I am presented. I am ready, I am focused, I am determined. I see your progress and I raise you mine. This is not to boast, or deem my endeavors more important. I am simply stating that I have done things that I am extremely proud of and I will continue until I am in a place where I can say, "Enough, this is where I want to plant my roots." 

Here's to being 24 with plans and the building blocks to take on those plans. To dreams, and preparation, the two things that have gotten me through the toughest of times. Cheers

Loose morals

My moments continue to happen. I eternally remember the times and sights; smells, sounds, and feelings I've had with different people and in new and old places. I am troubled by the utterly tiring concept of money and living. I look forward to a time wen we can live and survive without having to sacrifice years and years of our lives serving others. We call it self serving but the pieces of paper we hold onto with such conviction is what we serve. Religion is nothing compared to the grasp money has on the world. One day, we will break out. Until then, I understand what it is like to be a slave to a concept that I had no say in. Land of the free, more like home of the disillusioned. 

Hard work. Dedication

What is health? Activities that promote a healthy and properly functioning body? Could be. I believe that I have let y body become unhealthy. I have taken advantage of my youth and not in a positive way. I have just used my body for sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. At the age of 23 I look down at where my six pack used to be and I cringe. What a waste. I know it will just take determination and work to get back on track and that's not to much to ask of myself. I must just get into it and busy my ass. Move forward, look at the horizon, and only work towards what you want. Only problem is what I want is confusing. I want my health and stamina back but I want to party. I guess opposites are not really negotiable. That's why democracy has such trouble working... Anyway, push forward. 

Understanding

It has always been odd to me.  I get into this thinking, deep introverted thinking, that enhances how utterly upset and unfullfilled I feel. Maybe this is a normal, every person goes through this, type of thing.  Not many things pique my interest, and I find that strange.  I enjoy music, water, beautiful eyes, smiles, and i have never considered suicide as an option for anything.  I guess I am happy, but I realize that the world is evenly filled with sad and happy things.  Happy things lead to sad things and vice versa.

My feet are cold from standing outside February 1st with no socks or shoes.  I'm not bothered by it, because I can feel. My thoughts are connected to this thing called life, and my life gives me feelings and I think and ponder on what these feelings mean or are. What an absolutely strange species we are, humans.  Instead of living by instinct we live for learning.  We strive to gather more information in order to understand ourselves. We do not understand US.  We only have theories and ideas of how we work, internally and externally.  A true never ending story.

As I type, I understand that there are peaks and troughs for business activity, weather, happiness, and life.  One can only guess at when the ups will be or when the downs will be.  How beautiful that is.  Uncertainty, as scary as one could imagine, but wildly exciting and open for dictation and discovery.

Show a little kindness in your actions.  Love who is close.  Hold close the ones difficult to imagine life without. Cry often.  Exercise. Eat healthy. Learn new skills. Test new ideas. Meet new people. Let go of old ties. Work everyday towards being someone that you would be proud to call a partner or friend. You only have one life, and your time in this world has an expiration date. Don't let yourself sit on the shelf until your expiration.

Get up and do.  Salud my friends.

Thomas G.